


The Rainy Season

by fineinthemorning



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Human, Angst, Dysfunctional Family, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, One-Sided Relationship, Self-Denial, Unhealthy Relationships, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-04-16 20:32:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,340
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4639218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fineinthemorning/pseuds/fineinthemorning
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>~Inspired By Sammya & Cardia's "Dysfunctional Family Funtimes" series~</p><p>There is no denying that Sasaki and Tskuiyama have been in a relationship for the past six years, unless you're Sasaki. After ignoring but never refusing Tsukiyama's existence in his life for six years, Sasaki finally decides it's time to try and see what life could be like.<br/>What will come of Sasaki's selfish actions? Who will be the one who ends up getting hurt the most?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Plans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [caridia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/caridia/gifts).



> So, after reading [Dysfunctional Family Funtimes](http://archiveofourown.org/series/235719), I felt inspired to write a little au to their well-crafted and realistic au. I tried to write the characters as how they're presented in their series. Please check their series out, so that this makes a little more sense. :D It's really fun to read! Thank you in advance!  
> This takes place in 2010 around 9-10 months after Complications and Mistakes?  
> -In this AU, Shuu is a model. Haise is a novelist, and Hide is his editor. Haise is raising 4 children, the Qs, with Saiko and Ginshi at age 15 and Urie and Tooru at age 14. The Qs and Haise live with Arima (a PI who adopted Haise) and Akira (a lawyer friend of Arima's).

Tsukiyama Shuu had been a cancer in his life for six years now. No, _cancer_ wasn’t accurate. While it did fit with the fact that Sasaki failed to understand that his feelings for the man plagued him like a sickness, Sasaki certainly had made _no_ effort to cure himself. No, cancer was _not_ something self-inflicted. Tsukiyama Shuu was. Sasaki had brought _this_ upon himself in the years that he’d let it grow into _normal_. This . . . whatever this was.

Touka was no doctor, and while he disagreed with her reasoning, she had a point in one thing- they weren’t healthy. Since he’d returned from his tour, he’d begun really considering what that meant. On tour, in that hotel room, Sasaki had recognized, finally, that there was _something_ there and it wasn’t _right_ , but he had accepted that. No, whatever was going on between the two of them wasn’t healthy, and while he refused to name what _it_ was, he had to recognize that it was _something_ . . . And something wasn’t easily ignored. Something was morning coffee and late night sex after the kids were asleep and texts throughout the day and marks on skin and memories and-

Time. Was that all it had taken for him to develop this complacency? This odd contentedness with living in limbo- a constant state of doubt and uncertainty accompanied with a stubborn selfishness that was as unyielding as the violet haired man’s own relentless feelings? They were equally so stubborn? Equally selfish? Is that what people labeled as _made for each other_?

Maybe, in a sense, Sasaki deserved this.

No, not the onset, but the lingering feeling poking at his gag reflex daily- yes.

Tsukiyama Shuu had called this _love_.

What was it really to Sasaki?

It wasn’t love. _No._ He’d say it now and a _hundred_ times over; he didn’t _love_ Shuu- he didn’t. He _didn’t_. No, it wasn’t _love_. But if that word, love, didn’t fit, what would?

“I think you need a vacation, Haise.”

Haise’s consciousness snapped back to reality and he saw Hide sitting across from him with his arms stretched waving his hands in front of his eyes like a villainous magician. “I’ve cast like four spells on you, and none of them have had any effect. I think your writer’s block will have to be dealt with some other way. My skills as a magician aren’t what they used to be.”

“And your skills as an editor will grow dull.” Haise smiled, wondering if he’d been asleep or if he’d been simply lost in thought.

“Exactly.” Hide leaned back to put his weight on his hands. They were in Hide’s apartment, and Haise had come over to see if he could do some writing there, but it was nine at night and Sasaki had been there three hours; his paper didn’t even have notes down. “They will if you give me nothing to work with. Haise, go relax somewhere- really. The kids have been staying home all this time, right?”

Haise said yes with his eyes, too tired to pull his head off the short table, even if he was resting his cheek on blank high quality paper. It was blank- not like he was ruining any of his own precious manuscript or something.

“I know! Go to Kamakura. It’s wonderful even in the rainy season. You can go with Tsukiyama,” Hide smiled in a way that told Haise that everything would be fine. So much of Hide was reassuring. Safe. He’d known him four years now and he felt safer beside him than with the one he-

“He’s busy with work,” came Haise’s flat reply.

“C’mon, now. We both know he’d open his schedule in a heartbeat if it meant going on a vacation with you- even if it is just Kamakura for a few days. It could be inspiring.” Hide nodded his head, looking somewhere above Haise’s head as he remembered his prior visits to Kamakura. “Pigeons.”

Haise still hadn’t lifted his head, but he rolled his eyes, “Pigeons, riiight.”

“Well, and the hydrangea,” Hide added in a lighter tone.

Haise considered them. He’d seen them in Omiya and in a few places in Tokyo, and though he’d seen photos, he’d never actually physically gone to Kamakura during this season. They were supposedly the most beautiful there. Flowers weren’t really what he’d call inspiring for what he typically wrote, but maybe a combination of those, the wet Earth, the old temples- maybe it could do something to break the wall that was currently blocking him from producing anything of substance, “Yeah . . . that sounds nice, actually.”

Hide knew Haise would agree; he just needed to be given a push, “I could write it off as a business expense with the publisher actually. You two could go this weekend and stay till Wednesday or something.”

Hide was like this now- always like this- since they’d come back from the tour and since he’d said on the plane, _‘As long as you’re happy, that’s fine.’_

Haise sat up suddenly, and when he met the other’s eyes, his words were firm, “Go with me.”

Hide blinked, shifted his weight, and brought his left hand to his cheek to scratch at it as he smiled, “Ah, I’d love to go, y’know, but-” He didn’t show his surprise and tried to take the look in Haise’s eyes in stride. What exactly was that burning behind them? Uncertainty? Determination? A world of conflicting emotions and thoughts?

Haise interrupted him, “But what? It’s for work.”

Hide saw what Haise was doing here in this faulty logic, so he just threw it back at him instead, “A vacation from work for work? I really don’t see Tsukiyama-san being too happy about that. I mean-”

“You’re making something out of nothing,” Haise reasoned- reasoned with Hide _and_ himself. He and Tsukiyama had something. Something. Something. He and Hide had . . . they had friendship. He just needed to be near his _friend_ for a little while. It was certainly more relaxing than being with his- with his- with Shuu. “It’s just to _relax_. Besides, wouldn’t the company be more likely to foot the bill if you were going?”

“Right,” and Hide laughed sheepishly, “Okay, okay, I’ll go. Let me shoot the Chief an e-mail.”

 

 

**XXX**

 

 

“You’re packing, Mon Cher?” Tsukiyama noticed that before anything else. He didn’t see Sasaki’s expression, even. He only saw his actions and how very deliberate every single one of them were. Something was different about Sasaki. He was upset, maybe? Angry? But whatever for?

“I’m going to Kamakura.”

“Kamakura? Ah, to stay? It’s so close. You could leave and return home in the same day,” Tsukiyama reasoned. Why would Sasaki _stay_ there? He knew he enjoyed being with the children, and he also enjoyed sleeping in his own bed.

“I’ll be there Friday through Tuesday.” Sasaki didn’t miss a beat. He kept packing without ever looking up.

Tsukiyama was seated on what he’d call _their_ bed. “That’s rather long. Let me join you. I co-”

“No.” It was firm, but not harsh.

Tsukiyama had heard the word before. It went in one ear and out the other. It just meant that he hadn’t asked the _right_ question, “Where are you staying?”

“No, Shuu. _No_ ,” and this time Haise’s tone was harsh. Still, he never looked up from the small suitcase as he folded a pair of denim jeans before tucking them in on top of his boxers.

“It really wouldn’t be any trouble. I could even just meet you for lunch or dinner. The hy-”

Haise finally stopped what he was doing and stood over Shuu, “No. No. No. No. No! What part of ‘ _no_ ’ don’t you understand? You never listen to ‘ _no_ ’! It’s been six years, and I’m just- _tired_.” It was evident, briefly, in his eyes, but he covered it quickly, “I’m going to Kamakura _without_ you. You’re going to stay right here in Tokyo, and you’re _not_ going to follow me. You’re not going to call me. You’re not going to text me.” He turned his back to him before he could process the emotions playing across Tsukiyama’s face, and he said nothing else.

Tsukiyama grabbed his arm suddenly and pulled him on top of him, falling back into the bed with Sasaki landing with his knees on either sides of his hips. The two struggled a moment, neither actually hurting the other, but using force none the less; Tsukiyama would not let go, but Sasaki would not stay trapped. Finally, Sasaki struggled and sat up, seated on Tsukiyama’s stomach as Tsukiyama’s long fingers wrapped around each of his wrists and pulled unwilling hands to his chest.

Sasaki’s fierce eyes spoke the same word he verbalized, “ _No._ ”

The word may as well have never been in Tsukiyama’s dictionary; it was a word he never quite understood, “Haise, what have I done to upset you?” There was always a way around ‘ _no_ ’.

“Should I really start down that list right now?”

Was Haise really bringing up the past? Not even the recent past, but the _distant_ past? Tsukiyama was not the same person. When would Haise accept that? What had happened? What had changed? Why did it suddenly matter? Had he reached a breaking point? Had Tsukiyama done something to set him off? Tsukiyama looked hurt and turned his head to the side before turning it back to meet those clouded gray eyes, “Something is bothering you, Mon cher.” It was an understatement, but Tsukiyama was doing his best to maintain self-control and not simply make things worse.

Haise deflated, but his eyes never left the other’s violet hues, “ _It’s none of your business._ ”

Tsukiyama’s actions had been so forceful and aggressive, but his tone now was gentle and his eyes, too, were soft, “But it is. You’re my-“

“What?” Sasaki looked down at him in pity, his lips in a line and his eyes empty of empathy, “I’m your _what_?”

Tsukiyama held his tongue feeling as though he had just been slapped. He wasn’t allowed to say. Haise would dismiss it anyway, and though it was something he had grown accustomed to hearing, that didn’t mean that it didn’t _sting_ every time. Every tiny act of defiance and neglect was another gaping wound in Shuu’s heart.

Pain was sweet.

He loved Haise dearly.

He’d endure any amount of pain for him.

It didn’t matter if Haise would _never_ do the same for him. It didn’t. It didn’t. No, _it didn’t matter_. It _didn’t_.

Of course, no one around him, the ones who cared for him, approved of this. Kanae certainly hated Haise for his open neglect and distrust towards his employee. Chie also disliked the fact that Tsukiyama had become so tame in the time that he’d spent indulging in an obsession that actually exercised power over _him_. His father was waiting for him to marry some rich, high-society woman and carry on the family business he had no interest in. Hinami had called him out for the lack of mutual trust and understanding in their relationship- never mind Touka, the Queen of Tactlessness.

But those things hadn’t mattered the last six years. Why would they matter now? He’d decided long ago that he was the moon and Haise was his sun, and that every light that brightened his day came from him. Without him, he’d no longer be himself. He was defined now by the very obsession that he had once attempted to conquer.

Resorting to what he always did, Tsukiyama rolled his hips beneath Haise, but instead of Haise responding in turn with a kiss or a bite or a moan as he often did when they had sex after an argument, Haise took the model by surprise, and pulled out of his grip and got off the bed.

It always worked. Sex always worked, or if not always, it worked more often than not. Why wasn’t it working now?  Tsukiyama frowned and lifted himself up on his elbows as he watched Haise return to folding and packing clothes in his small suitcase.

Tsukiyama Shuu was not one to give up. He moved without caution and stood up to stand behind Haise and wrap arms around his chest and let his hands fall just below his abs. His head rested on Haise’s shoulder and he inhaled the scent he knew better than his own.

Sasaki turned quickly in his grip and shoved him suddenly in the chest to separate them, his face twisted immediately into something Shuu simply could not place, “I’m tired,” and his words were unexpectedly somber.

“Mon coeur, please, tell me what’s wrong.”

“This. All of this- whatever this is. It’s wrong.” There. He said it out loud at least. Sasaki couldn’t look Shuu in the eyes when he said it, however. He couldn’t even bring himself to _sound_ certain. He was always on guard around Shuu, but somehow, in identifying the _something_ they had as wrong, unhealthy, or sick in some way, he felt . . . weaker.

“What are you saying?” Tsukiyama’s eyes were wide. He was not ignorant to the things other people said about their relationship, but those were things they both ignored. Shuu was confident in his love for Sasaki just as he was sure that Sasaki wanted to continue their relationship himself. Rather, Sasaki had never ended it; he denied it, but he never pushed it away. Actions spoke louder than words. Sasaki wanted to continue this with him- always had, and that’s why Shuu was still here. They’d both be dead, anyway, if he didn’t.

“Just-” and the stone-faced mask was back up, and the emotion that Shuu couldn’t recognize was gone. Haise’s tone was back to being that of clipped disinterest, “I’m tired, and I need a break. So, I’m going to Kamakura.”

“You said it was for work,” and the suspicion began to creep in. The word _work_ was synonymous with _Nagachika_.

“Yes, I’m going to Kamakura for work without you, because I need- I just need a break- from _you_ ,” Haise closed and zipped up his suitcase.

“I see . . .” Tsukiyama knew that his feelings for Haise were not reciprocated, at least not on the same level- not with the same depth. He knew that.

A break. They’d never done that before. It could mean too many things. He wouldn’t let Haise get away with it. Not _this_. Not _that_. He’d clear his schedule with Kanae. He’d be taking _his_ break in Kamakura as well.


	2. Inspire

 

“Oi, Haise, this way,” even during the mid-morning of a Friday, the small Kamakura train station was busy. The rainy season did that; tourists, both domestic and foreign, moved fluidly around Sasaki as he tried to follow Hide through the crowd of people. Most of them were going in the same direction, at least, so it was easy to move with the herd so to speak.

“We’re getting on that thing?” It was then that Sasaki noticed the pale sky blue two car train. Already, the lines of people in front of the lines that marked the car doors were already wrapped around each other and disappeared into a horde of people. Haise frowned. This did not appear to be a relaxing vacation at all.

“Yeah, tradition, you know? That train car is pretty old. They maintain it really well; it doesn’t go far- just west where we’re staying. Have you never been to Kamakura? Didn’t you grow up in Tokyo?” Hide kept positive, and, unsurprisingly, it kept Haise’s mood from teetering over the edge into grumpy. His questions weren’t unusual. Kamakura was rich in history and most people had been at least once, because during middle school it was the most common destination for field trips. It was as rich in history as Kyoto, and plenty to offer in terms of educational value. However, Haise’s life hadn’t been the most normal. He had been home schooled, and traveling to Kamakura had never really come up. He hadn’t really grown up with any friends and being around others that weren’t people he considered his family just made him exhausted.

He simply shrugged his shoulders in response to Hide’s questions, knowing his editor wouldn’t press further. “Will our whole stay be like this?” they’d made their way into a line by this point, and the train carried its set of passengers away. They’d be able to board the next one, but that wouldn’t be for another seven minutes.

“Nah, I doubt it.” He scratched at his cheek as he turned his head to smile at Haise, “There’s supposed to be thunderstorms tomorrow and rain till Wednesday.”

Sasaki returned the smile with a small one of his own. He did, actually, like the sound of that. The two spoke little until they were stepping off the train at Kita-Kamakura station. Haise caught up to Hide as they began walking away from the crowd.

“Hide . . .” Sasaki gaped at the entrance of the gardens of the place they would be staying, “We’re staying _here_?” The wooden sign above read _'Kenchoji'_.

Hide elbowed him with a laugh, “Yeah, we are. It took a little convincing, you know? But apparently, a few other authors have requested the same in the past. It’s true that all of the temples in the area require you study in order to stay, but they said it would be fine if we kept to their schedule. We’ll attend breakfast and dinner here each day.”

Sasaki blinked. It was by no means unheard of to stay at a temple, but he could piece together from Hide’s words that it had taken some convincing. It was a bold move, and Sasaki instantly felt a little guilty that Hide had gone out of his way to find a place Sasaki could truly relax in. He absently thought of Shuu. Shuu would have taken him to whatever swanky hotel was available. He probably wouldn’t even book it himself. It was just the way he was, but this . . . this extra effort Hide had gone through . . . this thoughtfulness . . . that was just the way Hide was, too, wasn’t it?

Once Hide explained their stay, a monk came out from the ticket booth to lead them to their quarters. Out of respect they carried their suitcases as they followed him, and while Hide remained focused on getting his novelist from point A to point B, Sasaki was busy staring at the gardens around him. Aside from there being an incredible amount of hydrangea blossoming in every direction, there were also trees that twisted around themselves and snaked into the sky as though they’d been building muscle for centuries to have the strength to reach for the heavens. Hide gently pulled him along when he stopped in front of one in particular that looked to be the width of maybe seven or eight people.

He felt the ideas pour into him in a rush that made him inwardly giddy, and already, not twenty minutes of being in Kamakura, he felt ready to start writing again. His writer’s block was gone, and it was thanks to Hide. He didn’t say anything, though. He already knew how that conversation would go.

_‘If I couldn’t cure you of your writer’s block, then I couldn’t possibly be called your best editor!’_

Never mind that Hide was his _only_ editor. When they found their way inside and alone, Haise sat, barefoot, on the tatami mat below him.

“This is . . .” he laid back and saw Hide towering above him, smiling.

“You may begin with the praise, _Sa-sa-ki-sen-sei.”_ Hide looked down at him with a smile and before Haise could do just that, Hide began to open his suitcase and produce items needed for Haise to get to work, “So, what’ll it be? I brought the laptop and your paper.”

Haise rolled over so that he wasn’t looking at his number one fan upside down, “The paper.”

“Good choice,” and he gathered a few writing utensils before walking around the wooden table in the center of their room and placing them in front of Haise.

“You even brought all of this . . . ?”

“Nonsense, this is what I always do- and I _should_ do. My livelihood is on the line, too, you know?” Hide sat down and relaxed on the other side of the table while waving his hand dismissively. He wouldn’t have any amount of gratitude from Haise for doing what he was _supposed_ to do.

It made sense. He always had Hide’s full attention, and he always took up Hide’s time randomly asking him out for drinks or calling him up with questions about his work. Hide was always there for him.

Sasaki sat up, took a pencil, and stared at the blank paper. He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, opened them again, and began to write.

**‘Amaterasu had been reborn in the man that waited patiently by the temple gates. Wearing a brilliant orange yukata, his brown eyes ablaze with the molten fires of the sun, he-’**

And Haise’s pencil broke. He stopped writing, his eyes widened slightly as he read over the words. He could feel Hide’s eyes on him as he crumbled the piece of paper and tossed it into the bin. He tried to ignore the warmth on his cheeks.

Hide only grinned, and Haise couldn’t tell if he’d read the words as he’d been writing them or not, “Oooookay, so maybe you’re not quite ready? That’s cool. Wanna walk around the grounds a bit?” Hide stood up and effortlessly moved Haise from one focus to another, “You can gawk at that tree outside.”

Sasaki stood as well, “Y-yeah, you’ve been here before, right?”

“Oh yeah,” Hide slid open the door that lead from their room to the narrow hallway.

“Show me around, then?” Sasaki followed him down the hall.

“Sure, sure, _Sasaki-sensei_.” The blonde turned his head to watch Haise’s cheeks color further as he used the title and responded with a wink, “This will likely be the only day with clear skies. You can see Fuji-san from an observation deck up the hiking trail a bit.”

“Really?” Sasaki hadn’t expected that, but, then again, Hide was hitting him with quite a bit he hadn’t expected during this trip- the blush in his cheeks that had yet to leave being one of them.

Was _this_ what he wanted?

He found himself thinking of Tsukiyama briefly, before desperately mentally beating back the thoughts.

 _Yes_ , for the time being, _this is exactly what he wanted_.

 

 

**XXX**

 

 

Tsukiyama was surprised himself when he saw where Hide, whom Sasaki had _never_ mentioned as a travel companion, had lead his lover. They were staying at _Kenchoji_ , the oldest temple in Kamakura, and that was no small feat considering these plans had only been made four days prior- at least to his knowledge.

When they disappeared inside, he adjusted his sunglasses. It was fine that there was no hotel in the vicinity; it was to be expected. Surely there was a machiya or guesthouse close by that he could watch the road from should either of the two emerge though . . .

He’d _behave_ and not _contact_ Haise, but that didn’t mean for a second that he’d let him out of his sight. If this really was a trip for work, it involved no book signings, no meetings with publishers, nothing. In Tsukiyama’s eyes, it could be only one thing- the two of them were working together exclusively.

But what did _that_ mean? Hide had, in every moment they’d spent in one another’s presence, _respected_ Tsukiyama’s relationship with Haise; he respected their relationship even more than Sasaki did most of the time. In fact, Hide had not once even hinted at an interest in his lover.

But the truth was obvious to Shuu.

Hide needn’t voice anything.

The two of them clung to the title of _'best-friend'_ , but Shuu could see something else lingering at times when Hide's eyes were on Haise. He knew only because he felt as though he were looking at himself in a mirror. Figuratively, of course, for he was far more handsome than Nagachika was or ever could be.

Shuu felt entirely justified in his jealousy. The way Arima and Akira conversed with Hide. The way the children welcomed and were affectionate with Hide. The way Sasaki would _smile_ at Hide. No, Shuu’s jealousy was entirely justified and he wouldn't apologize for it, not that he ever had apologized for feeling jealous; it just showed how much he cared.

And of course, all of this left him feeling insecure.

How could he ever feel _secure_ when the object of his affection, the one he’d loved six years now, still refused to even _acknowledge_ their relationship?

Tsukiyama had shared with Haise his _honest_ feelings; he’d _laid bare_ the depth of love he felt for him. Haise still refused to even call them a couple. Not once did he name them as being together.

If Haise was going to run off with Nagachika on some vacation after demanding he not call or text or be in his presence, of course Shuu would not simply nod and obey and believe everything would go on being the _same_.

This trip could mean the beginning. It could mean the beginning of the end. Tsukiyama Shuu would _not_ let that happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos~! Let me know what you want to see them do in Kamakura if you like! I'm open to suggestions for this fic~!


	3. Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Hide is listening to is Yann Tiersen's, Comptine D'Un Autre Ete L'Apres.

“So, that was your first time having a zen Buddhist breakfast?” Hide asked Haise after they were dismissed from the large room in which everyone had eaten breakfast, bowing politely before they left.

“Yeah . . .” Sasaki was in a hurry to get back to their room. He was wearing the same navy blue yukata as Hide was that had been provided to them by the temple. He was still getting over the idea that they were staying in the temple. It was nice to be taken care of for once considering he was always the one taking care of or tending to others- save for Hide, maybe. He wanted to say that they mutually took care of one another, but that would be a lie. He was often dependent on Hide; Hide never asked anything of him. Why was he only realizing this now? It was because of their working relationship, right?

It was raining heavily, and, truth be told, Sasaki just wanted to go back to sleep. It was too early to write, and he felt like the short half hour that he’d been awake had all been a dream.

“What did you think?” Hide pressed on with a smile as he continued to lead the sleepwalker behind him through the buildings to their room.

“It was a lot prettier than I thought it’d be.” When they made it back, he slid the door open and made a beeline for his futon, practically falling into it in his exhaustion. He’d been up most of the night writing, and while Hide had turned in rather early reasoning the time he’d have to wake up, Haise had gone on writing until the early hours of the morning. Maybe he’d gotten three hours of sleep. When he was back under the covers and had made himself comfortable facing the sliding door that opened into the right side of the grounds where it was raining pretty heavily, he relaxed. “It was colorful,” he added.

He watched the rain outside fall in sheets and marveled at the sound of the rushing water down the centuries old roofing. How many people had come and gone where this temple still stood?

“Ah, no, don’t tell me you’re gonna go back to sleep?” Quite suddenly, a pouting Hide was obstructing his view of the rain just meters away.

“Of course I’m going back to sleep,” Sasaki replied, already feeling his eyelids grow heavy, “They get up so damn early.” He was referring to the monks. Hide hadn’t budged, and when Haise opened his eyes again, wide this time in an attempt to wake himself up a bit, he added on another excuse, “Besides, it’s raining. What else is there to do?”

Hide laid down beside him. The chipper editor had already put away his futon before breakfast, so he had only the small sack pillow to rest on when he laid down between Haise and the gateway to the outside world. “You could write,” he offered with a mischievous smile.

It earned him a pillow to the face.

“I was only teasing!” he protested, deciding for only a moment that he’d confiscate Haise’s pillow weapon so that he may have two. The moment passed when he realized it left Haise with no pillow at all, so he nudged the thing back in his direction across the tatami.

Haise felt a smile rise to his face, and he took the pillow back. “You don’t have to stay,” a yawn marked the end of his thoughts. This was a vacation for Hide, too, right? Maybe he had some parts of the city he wanted to see?

Hide laid down just a few centimeters closer, “Nah, I can’t let you outta my sight, see? What if you skip town? My dreams of converting you to the strict art of zen Buddhism and living together forever with you in this temple will be no more!” Since he was laying on his side, Hide could only gesture with his left arm, but his eyes were expressive enough.

“You’re . . .” another yawn, “ . . . ridiculous.”

It wasn’t as if Hide had never seen Haise sleepy before. On the contrary, he’d seen him tired, passed out, asleep, you name it- but, somehow, this time, he looked a bit more relaxed than usual. Hide couldn’t place why. “Yes, well, I can’t argue with you there.”

Haise decided it was nice to just be in Hide’s presence like this- in this new place- with the rain. His eyes fell closed, and before drifting back into sleep he recognized something he hadn’t felt in some time- peace.

And there was nothing complicated about it.

Happiness could really be so simple.

 

 

**XXX**

 

 

When Sasaki woke once more, he heard the same steady rain, felt the same cool air from the open door to the outside, could smell the freshness of the small town of Kamakura that served as a reminder that this day was safe from work and stress and responsibility, and finally, he noticed Hide still had not left, either.

The blonde was seated with his back straight sitting in the open door’s frame. His feet were resting on the wooden planks that ran around the perimeter of the building and were somewhat damp from the rain that splashed or blew inside from the soft summer winds. He was perfectly still as he watched the rain, earbuds, not his typical headphones, hung around his ears. Sasaki noticed then that it was one of the very few times where Hide was perfectly still. Always restless and moving, aside from when he was reading (and even then sometimes he’d shake his foot or tap his pen), Hide was rarely as still as he was now.

Hide’s back was turned towards Sasaki, and immediately, Sasaki felt the need to know: what was Hide seeing, what was Hide hearing, what was Hide _feeling_ then in that moment? Sasaki pulled the covers aside, and made the short crawl to Hide’s side, and just as the blonde turned to notice he was awake, Sasaki grabbed the right earbud and put it into his ear.

Hide smiled, “If you wanted to listen, then-” but when Haise closed his eyes, his back to the rain as he sat beside his best friend, Hide went silent. Haise looked beautiful like that, somehow- barely awake in a plain navy yukata, two-toned hair disheveled, eyes closed, lips slightly parted thoughtfully, and silhouetted by the rain that fell on the green hydrangea gardens around the temple. Maybe Haise was too close. For all the time they did spend together, there was always something between them- a desk, a table, a chair, but now-

Haise opened his eyes lazily, enjoying the music, “I didn’t know you listened to this kind of music.”

“I listen to pretty much everything. You know that,” Hide insisted.

The blonde wouldn’t mention that he’d originally heard it in a French romance he’d seen years ago, though. Even if Haise already knew he was a sap, he didn’t need it to be rubbed in.

“It’s nice,” and when Haise smiled gently at the blonde, the blonde could do nothing but return it. Haise would have liked the moment to keep going on like this forever. In one ear, he could hear the words in the rain, and in the other, the beautiful strokes of the piano. And Hide, so close, so warm, so kind, so-

Haise moved closer to Hide then, his head rising slightly to meet the lips of his dearest friend- one who cared endlessly and selflessly and was always a symbol of stability to him amidst the chaos that governed and was, entirely, his life.

“Haise. Stop.” Hide’s hand was on his chest, gently pressing there to prevent him from moving closer. His expression was pained, only briefly, before he smiled and moved his hand away, “You’re forgetting something, eh?”

Haise couldn’t speak. He’d been rejected.

The novelist attempted to recover as quickly as possible, and he turned around completely, carefully taking the earbud cord with him, so that he was sitting beside Hide, shoulder to shoulder, and they were both resting their bare feet on the wooden planks and watching the rain, “You’re right. There was something in my breakfast. I’m suffering from amnesia. I can’t seem to remember what it is that I have forgotten.”

The blonde hoped he was not showing his discomfort on his cheeks as Haise was at that moment. When Sasaki moved, Hide didn’t bother watching the other’s profile and kept his eyes on the wet garden that was now saturated with color outside, “Tsukiyama-san.”

Sasaki clicked his tongue in disgust before protesting, “You know we’re not together,” and already, his voice lacked the gentle playfulness that was in it only a second ago.

Hide’s voice, however, remained ever light, “I know you’d deny your feelings for him to your grave,” even when he was speaking a truth Haise didn’t want to hear.

“It’s not like that, Hide. You don’t get it.” Sasaki wouldn’t look at him. He didn’t want to think about Shuu anymore. He didn’t want to be reminded of him. He didn’t want him to haunt him.

“I don’t?” the smile was still in his voice even through the feigned skepticism.

Sasaki held his tongue. Hide knew him too well. Hide knew him better than Shuu did, better than Arima . . . better even than he knew himself.

Instead of saying anything to the contrary, Haise snaked his left hand into Hide’s right one and intertwined their fingers. After a long moment in which Hide had not pulled away, he leaned to the side and rested his head on the blonde’s shoulder.

_‘As long as you’re happy, that’s fine.’_

If Hide really did mean that, then this was okay, wasn’t it?

The song played for a third time before Haise realized it was set to repeat.

Was Hide hearing words in the notes like Haise heard words in the rain? He took the idea, the dangerous one that had been born between them during a night of drinking, out of the box he mentally locked it away in. In another world where they’d known each other longer . . . In another world where they’d grown together side by side . . . In another world where he’d met Hide first . . .

Their relationship would be different, wouldn’t it?

On occasion, he did play with the idea.

This was the first time he’d actually indulged in it.

It _didn’t_ have to mean normal.

It could simply mean . . . _peace_.

 

 

**XXX**

 

 

Tsukiyama had been watching three hours now. The gates of the shrine had opened, but no one had stepped out. Would he need to go inside and seek those two out himself?

Before he made an effort to do so, however, he shook his head and turned away from the window of his rented room. Was this all a test? Was Haise testing him now? Did he care enough to do so? He did care. He did. At least some. Enough to test him? Tsukiyama was never certain of anything save for his own desperate feelings for his lover.

It wasn’t Nagachika that Shuu was worried over despite his jealousy.

It was Haise he didn’t _trust_.

It was wrong not to trust the one you loved, but again, what choice did he have?

Tsukiyama wilted at the revelation.

It was true. He was tired, too.

He turned back to the window. He was tired, truly, but he knew nothing else. The truth was, he had no interest in learning of anything else, either. Just this was enough. Even if this was all he’d be allowed, he’d take it. If it was Haise . . . it was enough . . . and it always would be, right? Just as long as he was his and his alone . . . 


	4. Chaos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just as a reminder, this AU NEVER HAPPENED in their original story. :D

The next day, the rain let up just to light showers and cool mists. Haise had gotten quite a bit of work in, and Hide had already begun going through and offering criticisms and critiques. Their morning had been normal except for one thing.

“Let’s go see Daibutsu today,” Sasaki offered as he stretched and began to gather his papers together.

Haise was _anxious_. He had done his best to not think about the day before, but he couldn’t erase the moment from his mind. Hide had rejected him, sure, but he hadn’t been angry, and really, the only excuse he had offered was Tsukiyama.

“Today?” Hide looked up from the page of the new text Haise had written to see patches of sunlight through the trees outside.

Haise watched Hide’s face take in the scenery that had now taken on a new glow. “This is the best the weather has looked since we got here.” He could see clearly that Hide wanted to leave the temple as well. Any amount of sun during the rainy season was a gift to be treasured. Why hadn’t Sasaki realized it before? To treasure someone was to love them. He didn’t treasure Shuu, but Hide-

What would he do without those brief patches of sunlight?

“That’s true,” and Hide smiled and waved off the writer to clean up, “Let me finish this one part, and then we’ll go.”

“Sure.” Haise stood and immediately began putting things away and left to finish getting dressed. It was already eleven, but they still had enough of the day to make the hike to Daibutsu and back.

Hide tried not to be distracted from his friend’s nervous energy. He wasn’t sure what had gotten him into such a stir. He wished he could blame it on their early morning meal, but Haise hadn’t even gone back to sleep that morning. They’d been up since five and Haise appeared ready to run a marathon. Hide couldn’t place it, but he did agree that going out for a walk and a temple visit would certainly help.

XXX

“So, according to this map, we just have to walk through this park and make a right and then a left and it should be there on that street.” Haise pointed ahead to the path into the woods. They had gotten directions from just outside a shrine that was across the street from the temple they were staying in. They had been directed to a wooden map that appeared to be most of the trails that lead through the park to the rest of Kamakura. The small town really did cater to tourists and made finding everything just that simpler.

Hide studied that map and then looked at the trail ahead that appeared to be made up mostly of mud and some small pebbles. “The trail goes straight up. This is a hike.”

Haise nudged him gently, “Eh, it’s nothing.” He walked ahead of him and smiled back, “Have you been slacking on your exercise lately?”

Hide snapped a picture of the map, sure to get the drawing of where they currently were and the drawing of the giant Buddha in the same shot, with his cell phone and started walking up the path as well, “I exercise!”

Haise waved it off, clearly teasing him, “Right, of course, because using a bicycle from time to time counts.”

Hide shot back, “I’ve biked to your place before- from _work_.” It had been thirty kilometers one way. He had been pretty proud of himself that day.

“How many times?” Haise grinned, clearly enjoying teasing him.

“Ah, it’s muddy,” Hide observed as he pulled his now mud-caked shoe up from a particularly wet spot.

“Shoes were made to be worn,” Haise kept trekking up, now going up what appeared to be makeshift stairs. Long blocks of wood had been wedged into the trail to allow for easier climbing. He reminded Hide, “This is the most direct route, you know?”

Hide shook his head, “True. True.”

Haise’s smile didn’t falter as he took in Hide’s image behind him- climbing up the small mountain and muddying himself along the way without a single complaint. Shuu, by now, would have turned back. No, he wouldn’t have even come through the park; he would have insisted they take the bus. No, not even the bus. Shuu would have just gotten a taxi.  

“Wow, I actually caught up to you! Who’s slacking now?” Hide teased his friend for having stopped, nearly in a daze, in the middle of the path.

“Oh, I had to wait for you, because I didn’t want you to get lost.”

“There’s only one path!”

“Exactly.”

And so their banter wore on, and finally, Hide was able to smile at Haise without thinking on what had nearly happened the day before. They felt normal again. Relief began to fill him; he was glad. He didn’t want to end up between Haise and Tsukiyama, and he most certainly didn’t want anything to come between their friendship, either. Haise was precious and irreplaceable, but that one thought that had been born between them one evening over drinks had been locked away. Hide never took it out to think on it, to play with it, to indulge in it. Hide had locked it away permanently because he could clearly see it would always remain that- an idea. It would never be reality. Even yesterday, when he was sure Haise wanted to attempt to make it so, he knew better. It wasn’t fair the way Haise still treated Shuu, but this, what had happened yesterday wasn’t fair to Hide, either.

He had been forced to remember. In another world where they’d known each other longer . . . In another world where they’d grown together side by side . . . In another world where he’d met Haise first . . .

But they weren’t in another world and they never would be. That night had been over a year ago. Why had Haise acted that way yesterday? What had brought this on? Was it Hide’s fault somehow?

 “We reached the top! The highest point.” Sasaki’s words pulled Hide from his thoughts and he looked around at the scenery beneath the cloudy sky.

“It doesn’t have the best view,” all that could be seen was more green and, in the distance, a few houses, “but it does smell nice.”

“What’s this?” Sasaki had turned away from the view to look down the path. On their right, there was a large sign in the shape of a heart and two rocks that were connected by a rope.

Hide had seen rocks tied together before. He could remember visiting Fuji with his family and seeing them as a child. It meant the rocks were married or something. “Eh? I guess it’s a couple’s shrine?” He pulled his phone out and brought up the picture of the map. It hadn’t even been listed there. “It’s not on the map.” He guessed it wasn’t large enough to be featured on the map. Odd.

“Let’s go in.”Haise made his way toward the entrance curiously.

“Huh? Why?” Hide suddenly recalled what had transpired the day before, but he tried to act casual despite, “You’re supposed to walk through with your lover, and Tsukiyama-san isn’t here.”

“I want you to come say a prayer with me. It’s not a big deal.” Haise smiled as he kept walking down the path. He didn’t appreciate that Shuu had been mentioned. Couldn’t Hide just enjoy his time with him without bringing him up?

Hide smirked and did his best to still be honest and still keep the atmosphere light, “You’re acting weird but fine.”

“You’re the one making it weird.” As they walked in, Haise reached for and took Hide’s hand. He knew it was a risk, but it was one he was willing to take. He didn’t want to have to spell everything out. He hated using words in place of intimacies, despite being a world-famous novelist.

So much for the light atmosphere.

Hide sucked in air through his teeth and didn’t return the gesture. He was suddenly more aware of his own heart beating in his chest than the trickle of the stream beside the stone path or the wind through the trees that shook more water to the wet Earth below. No, his apprehension was louder than any of that. Haise’s happiness was his priority, and it always had been since he’d met him, but- Tsukiyama had always been- he had always-

“Ah, we’re the only visitors here.”

Hide looked down at their hands. He hadn’t expected this, and, in all honesty, he had never prepared for it. Because he knew it would never be a reality here, he had never taken the time to consider what he might do, what he might say, how he might respond to Haise if he were to-

The shrine was very small, and there were only two people who appeared to be working there in these weather conditions. One was in a booth where blocks were being sold as well as a charm specific to the shrine. The other was cutting away at a few stray branches on the far side as part of the upkeep. It was quiet. Only a mist was floating in the air, so no rain fell from the sky to the small stream that ran parallel to the path.

Haise pulled Hide forward by the hand to stand at the shrine, but when they arrived, he let go. Haise produced a hundred yen coin and tossed it in the offering box, clapped twice, and bowed his head. Hide, unusually quiet, followed suit. He wanted to say something to stop the pounding in his chest, a sound he was certain Haise could hear, but instead, he felt his hand once again being pulled away but this time to forcibly grip the rope that hung between them.

“I think it’s done together.”

“Yeah but-“

Before Hide could mention Tsukiyama again, Haise was already ringing the bell. It was loud and tonal, enough to hide his heartbeat. Haise smiled at the sound, and Hide smiled back though inside he was certain that Haise was dragging him to hell with this prayer. That’s what it would be. If he got between him and Tsukiyama, there was no way it would go smoothly. Would he even survive it? That wasn’t being too dramatic, was it? He wouldn’t end up dead, right?

Hide let go of the rope and turned back towards the entrance, “It’s nice, but we should get going if we are going to make it to Daibutsu. I’m getting hungry, too, and we won’t be out of the park for a while.”

“Sure, go on ahead, and I’ll catch up.”

“Why would you need to  . . . ?”

Hide watched as Sasaki walked over to the small booth to purchase one of the blocks.

“What are you doing, Haise?” He didn’t even ask if it is for Shuu. It was too clear.

Haise began working at the message on the wood. The shrine maiden had given him a sharpie since he had nothing on him to write with. “I’m doing something I should have done a long time ago.”

“Which is?” Hide watched as Sasaki carefully, in that all too familiar handwriting, wrote out his wish for them on the block.

Sasaki looked up, no longer smiling. “Choosing you.” His eyes were sincere nearly to the point of being stern. It was clear that he didn’t want his feelings to be doubted or questioned.

Hide’s eyes grew wider and his heart was pounding much too loudly once more. “Haise, you-”

Sasaki handed back the marker and walked over to the wall where the blocks were hanging to add to it. “I don’t know why it is so surprising. Is it-” he looked up once he was done fastening the block to the wall, “ . . . not something you want?” Haise knew it had been some time since that evening long ago, but- their position in one another’s life hadn’t become more distant. Then again, they hadn’t really gotten closer either. That was Tsukiyama’s fault, wasn’t it? It was his fault for keeping them from growing closer. No.

Hide still couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Th-that’s not what we are. We’re friends.”

No. It was Haise’s fault. It was his fault they hadn’t become something more.

Just at the entrance to the shrine, Haise stopped, put a hand to the other’s mouth, and said quietly, “We’re best friends, Hide. Shouldn’t you be the person I’m sharing my life with?”

There was something so off about the question. Sasaki, at least with Hide, rarely talked about his own future. He rarely entertained ideas like companionship or marriage and happy endings were just bedtime stories that were never told in his house- neither to him or by him. The question didn’t seem real coming from his mouth. As if it had been scripted or rehearsed, there was something in it that wasn’t genuine. Regardless of everything wrong with it, Hide never got a chance to answer.

“I knew it would one day come to this which is why- Which is why-“ Tsukiyama made Hide invisible. Concentrating all of his words, his passion, his contempt, on Haise alone, he had effectively removed Hide suddenly from the equation, the scene, the reality, “I knew I couldn’t trust you. You and him-you-”

Haise walked between them and his voice became low and threatening, “I told you not to follow me and here you are.”

Hide watched both of their movements carefully and subconsciously shook his head. This was wrong. It wasn’t an unfamiliar feeling, actually. He often felt that something about their relationship was wrong. Anyone could see how unhealthy their trust issues were.

Sasaki spoke again before Shuu could say another word, “Thank you for proving me right. You have nothing better to do, still, to this day- than to stalk me?! I told you I was tired, and you won’t allow me a moment’s reprieve! Can you please, for once, leave me alone?! You don’t even make me happy!”

Tsukiyama had so much he had been ready to say. He was going to tell Haise how wrong he was for breaking his trust and for lying to him and for being upset when he had been with someone else and yet turning around and doing it himself. He was going to call him a hypocrite. He was going to scream and yell and put him in his place but-

Sasaki was too smart.

Shuu already knew that, even after all of this time, he still did not have Haise’s trust.

He didn’t realize, however, that he didn’t even make him happy.

That didn’t seem right because-

The color drained from his face, “That’s . . . true?”

Sasaki stood straight again and kept his eyes locked on Shuu’s, “Yes.”

Shuu looked away, his eyes studying the pebbled path with a frown. He was miserable, too. He thought that it would be that way always- miserable in love. There were moments when he was happy, but the chase, both tempting and tragic all the same, was so worth it, wasn’t it? Haise had remained with him all of this time, because he had enjoyed it too, right? He was happy. There had been moments. He was also-

Or maybe he wasn’t.

No, that couldn’t be right.

“You’re lying!”

Haise kept the same tone, gray eyes cold, “I’m not.”

Shuu felt a pain behind his eyes, and his hands clenched into fists, but instead of saying another word, he turned around and began to walk away.

Hide nearly pounced, a hand on the other’s shoulder to turn him around to face him, “Tsukiyama-san, nothing has happened between us; he’s just upset that-”

“I don’t want to hear it!” Shuu pushed his hand away and brought his voice down to just above a whisper, nearly pleading with his words as water began to escape his eyes, “Please, I don’t want to hear any more.”

Hide let go. He could see that something had broken, and it really had nothing to do with him at all. Tsukiyama had realized something about their relationship, probably one of its many flaws, and that was why he couldn’t face Haise now and it was why he couldn’t blame Hide, either. Still, Hide hadn’t expected that. It was a surprise, of course, that Tsukiyama had been following them, but it was something else that he didn’t put up a fight- not much of one anyway.

When the model had effectively disappeared down the path from which they had climbed up, Hide turned to Haise, angry, “ _What are you doing?_ ” He didn’t understand this anymore. He had lied to Tsukiyama about Hide being with him on this trip, clearly, but there was more to Haise’s actions than that.

“What am _I_ doing? What’s wrong with you?” Haise recognized his tone for what it was- misplaced anger- and took a deep breath before going on, “He followed me here. He couldn’t trust me for less than a week? He hasn’t changed at all. In the six years I have known him, he hasn’t changed at all.” Haise knew that wasn’t entirely true, but, he hadn’t expected this either. He hadn’t expected Tsukiyama to follow him. He had probably scared him before he’d left after saying he needed a ‘ _break_ ’. That had been a stupid move, but still- Still, Shuu was a grown man, and-

“All of this- Haise, is this what you wanted?”

Haise was glad to be pulled from his thoughts, but he didn’t quite follow what Hide was asking of him, “What?”

“You insisted I come with you instead of Shuu. You nearly kiss me. You take me to a couple’s shrine. You apparently lied to Tsukiyama-san about me even being here and-“ Hide’s heart was once again pounding loudly in his chest, and with there being no one around despite their location, he was sure that the silence that followed his accusation allowed for Haise to know everything.

“ . . . Yes,” Sasaki admitted carefully.

“What?”

“Yes,” Sasaki moved to close the distance between them, placed his left hand on the other’s shoulder and his right on his chest, and kissed him slowly, softly on the lips. He pulled away reluctantly but without his hands moving, “I want to know what this is like.”

The kiss had been so painfully slow. Slow enough that Hide could have easily moved away. He could have easily ended it. He could have rejected him as he had the day before, but it was so gentle, so sweet, that he had finally been rendered speechless, “This-“

“And I know I haven’t misunderstood. You want to know as well.”

Hide closed his eyes as he welcomed that foreign and gentle sensation a second time. This was something Haise wanted. This made Haise happy.  

So why? Why did it make Hide feel so empty?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive my poor writing . . . a year and a half later? Pfftttt.


End file.
